英语幽默笑话（精选15篇）
在繁忙的学习工作中，适时读一些幽默笑话，放松自己，劳逸结合十分重要。下面是我为你整理的几则英语幽默精彩段子，让你笑到停不下来!!!
英语幽默笑话 篇1
一、我是单身汉
Jack feell off his bicycle and got hurtA beautiful young nurse asked him to fill formsJack finished them and gave them back"Anything else" The nurse asked"Yes,"Jack thinks for a while and said,"I'm a bachelor"
杰克骑车摔伤,得住院治疗一位年轻美貌的护士拿着表格让填仞杰克填好递上表格"还有什么漏填的"护士问"有!"杰克想了想说,"我是个单身汉"
二、死于肝癌的人100%都吃饭
Wife:You seeAccording to te statistics on the paper 80% of those who have died of liver cancer have drunk alcoho
Husband:It's okeyTo my investigation,all Thespeopleeat meals
妻子：你看这张报纸,据统计,死于肝癌的人80%都是喝酒的
丈夫：那有什么据我调查,死于肝癌的人100%都吃饭的
三、位置上的冰激凌
"Excuse me,but the seat you've taken is mine"
"YoursCan you prove it"
"Yes,I put a cup of ice cream on it"
"请原谅,你占了我的位置"
"你的位置你能征明这点吗"
"能,我在位置上放了杯 冰激凌"
四、别无选择
One day,Eve asked Adam,"Doyou really love me"
Adam said helplessly,"Do I have any other choice"
一天,夏娃问亚当："你当真爱我吗"
亚当无可奈何地回答："我还有的选择吗"
五 、 两个男孩
Two boys were arguing when the teacher entered the room
The teacher says,"Why are you arguing"
One boy answers,"We found a ten dollor bill and decided to give it to whoever tells the biggest lie"
"You should be ashamed of yourselves," said the teacher,"When I was your age I didn't even know what a lie was"
The boys gave the ten dollars to the teacher
当老师走进教室时,两个男孩在争论
老师是说：你们在争论什么
一个男孩回答：‘我们捡到一张10块,我们决定把它给一个说最大的谎的人’
‘你们应该觉得羞耻’老师说,‘当我像你们那么大的时候,我连什么是说谎都不知道’
两个男孩把钱给了那个老师
六、两只鸟
Teacher:Here are two birds,one is a swallow,the other is sparrowNow who can tell us which is which
Student:I cannot point out but I know the answer
Teacher:Please tell us
Student:The swallow is beside the sparrow and the sparrow is beside the swallow
老师：这儿有两只鸟,一只是麻雀谁能指出哪只是燕子,哪只是麻雀吗
学生：我指不出,但我知道答案
老师：请说说看
学生：燕子旁边的`就是麻雀,麻雀旁边的就是燕子
七、鱼网
"Can you tell me what fish net is made,Ann"
"A lot of little holes tied together with strings" replied the little girl
"你能告诉我鱼网是什么做的吗," 老师发问道
"把许多小孔用绳子栓在一起就成了鱼网了" 小女孩回答道
八、他赢了
Tommy:How is your little brother,JohnnyJohnny:He is ill in bedHe hurt himself
Tommy:That's too badHow did that happen
Johnny:We played who could lean furthest out of the window,and he won
汤姆：约翰尼,你小弟弟好吗
约翰尼：他害病卧床了他受了伤
汤姆：真糟糕,怎么回事儿
约翰尼：我们做游戏,看谁能把身子探出窗外最远,他赢了
选我吧
英语幽默笑话 篇2心不在焉的老师
An Absent Minded ProfessorA notoriously absentminded professor was one day observed walking along the street with one foot continually in the gutter，the other on the pavement A pupil meeting him said： “Good evening，professorHow are you “Well，” answered the professor，“I thought I was all right when I left home，but now I don't know what's the matter with meI've been limping for the last half hour”
有一天，人们看见一个有名的心不在焉的老师在路上走，他的一只脚一直踏在街沟里，另一只脚踩在人行道上。 一个碰见他的学生说： “晚安，老师。您怎么了” “啊，”这位老师回答说：“我想我离开家的时候还挺好的，可是现在我不知道出了什么毛病。我已经一瘸一拐走了半个小时了。”
英语幽默笑话 篇3谁的儿子最伟大
The mothers of four priests got together and were discussing their sons "My son is a monsignor," said the first proud woman "When he enters a room, people say, 'Hello, Monsignor'" The second mother went on, "My son is a bishop When he enters a room, people say, 'Hello, Your Excellency'"
"My son is a cardinal" continued the next one "When he enters a room, people say, 'Hello, Your Eminence'
" The fourth mother thought for a moment "My son is six-foot-ten and weighs 300 pounds, " she said "When he enters a room, people say, 'Oh, my God'!"
四位牧师的母亲聚到一起谈论她们的儿子。“我的儿子是个教士，”第一位母亲自豪地说道，“他进入房间，人们都说，‘您好，阁下’。”
第二为母亲说：“我的儿子是位主教。他进入房间，人们都称，‘您好，大人’。” “我的儿子是位红衣主教，”第三位母亲接着说，“他走进房间，人们都说，‘您好，尊敬的主教大人’。”
第四位母亲略思片刻。“我的儿子身高六英尺十，体重三百磅，”她说，“他要是走入房间，人们都说‘哦，我的上帝’!”
英语幽默笑话 篇4为什么六怕七呢
Q: Why was six scared of seven
A: Because seven "ate" nine
问题：为什么六怕七呢
回答：因为七连九都能吃掉呢!
(笑点：本应该是seven eight nine, 但是利用了发音相同，将eight用ate(吃)替换掉了。)
英语幽默笑话 篇6用“beans(豆子)”造句
A teacher asked her students to use the word "beans" in a sentence "My father grows beans," said one girl "My mother cooks beans," said a boy A third student spoke up, "We are all human beans"
一名老师让学生们利用单词“beans(豆子)”造句，其中一个女孩说“我爸爸种豆子”。另外一个同学说“我妈妈炒豆子”。第三名学生说“我们是人类”。
(笑点：老师让用的单词是beans，豆子的意思，结果，第三个学生将beings 和 beans 搞混了，因为发音相同。)
英语幽默笑话 篇7两块蛋糕
Tom: Mom, can I have two pieces of cake, please
Mom: Certainly -- take this piece and cut it two!
汤姆：妈妈，我可以吃两块蛋糕吗
妈妈：当然可以----拿这块蛋糕把它切成两块吧!
英语幽默笑话 篇8一分一块钱 A dollar per point
A professor was giving a big test one day to his students He handed out all of the tests and went back to his desk to wait
once the test was over the students all handed the tests back in The professor noticed that one of the students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a note saying "A dollar per point"
The next class the professor handed the tests back out This student got back his test and $64 change
一天，教授正在给学生们监考。他发下试卷，然后回到讲台前等待。
考试结束了，学生们纷纷交回试卷。教授发现一张试卷上别着一张百元钞票，还有一张纸条写着：“一分一块钱。”
第二堂课，教授把试卷都发回学生们手中。其中一个学生不但得到了试卷还得到64块钱的找零。
英语幽默笑话 篇9Eating out
外出就餐
When the bill arrives ,Mark, Chris ,Eric and Tom will each throw in a $20,even though it's only for $3250 None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back When the women get their bill , out come the pocket calculators
买单的时候，阿麦，阿克、阿力和阿汤每人都甩出20块钱，虽然其实一共只吃了32块50没人有更小的票子了，也没人愿意承认他们其实想把票子破开。女人买单时，每人掏出个计算器。
英语幽默笑话 篇10卷烟厂都失火
Mary was so disgusted at her husband's cigarette smoking that she complained to him one day‘I hope that all the cigarette factories will catch fire someday ’‘Don't worry ,dear All the cigarettes will be on fire sooner or later ’He said with a smile
玛丽非常讨厌丈夫吸烟，一天她对丈夫抱怨说：“我希望有一天所有卷烟厂都失火。”“不用担心，亲爱的，所有的烟卷迟早都会点着的。”他笑着说。
英语幽默笑话 篇11成年人的抉择
The year before my son turned 18, he constantly pleaded to be allowed to a have tattoo, but I refused to sign permission for oneHe argued that soon he would be a man and he should be able to make adult decisions Sure enough,a few days after his 18th birthday,he come home with a tattoo Although l was not happy about this, I was curious to see what symbol of masculin', he had chosen There, on his shoulder,was a two inch image of Mickey Mouse
我儿子十八岁前的那一年，常常向我提出准许他文身。但我拒绝允许他这么做。他争辩说他不久就要成为男子汉了，并说他应该能够做出成年人的抉择了。果然，十八岁生日的几天后，他文了身，回到家里。尽管我对此感到不高兴，但出于好奇，我想看看他选择了什么雄性象征物。原来他在肩上文了一个两英寸长的米老鼠像。
英语幽默笑话 篇12和上帝对话
He says: "God,what is a million dollars to you"and God says: "A penny,then the man says: "God,what is a million years to you”and God says: ¨a second", then the man says: “God,can I have a penny "and God says:"In a second"
他问：“主啊，一百万美元对你意味着多少”上帝回答：¨一便士。” 男子又问：“那一百万年呢，”上帝说：“一秒钟。”最后男子请求道：”上帝，我能得到一便士吗“上帝回答：“过一秒钟。”
英语幽默笑话 篇13可以借用一下吗
Are you using your mower this afternoon
今天下午你准备用割草机吗
Mr Johnson:Are you using your mower this afternoon
约翰逊先生：今天下午你准备用割草机吗
Mr SmithYes
史密斯先生：是的。
Mr Johnson: Fine Then can I borrow your tennis racket, since you won't be needing it
约翰逊先生：太好了。既然您不用网球拍，那我可以借用一下吗
英语幽默笑话 篇14妈妈不见了
A little girl was lost, so she went up to a policeman and said, "l've lost my moml" The cop said,"What's she like" The little girl replied,"Shopping and gossiping!”
有一个小女孩走丢了，于是她走到一个警察跟前说：“我妈妈不见了!”这个警察说：“她什么样子”小女孩回答：“买东西和说闲话!”
英语幽默笑话 篇15Get the kid
A bit of advice for those about to retire lf you are only 65,never move to ansrUrement community Everybody else is in their 71s, 80s,or 90s So when something has to be moved, lifted or loaded,they yell,"Get the kid
这里想对将要退休的人提一点忠告。如果你只有65岁的话，千万别进退休社区。因为那里的人都七八十岁或者八九十岁了。每当要搬东西，抬东西或者装东西时，他们会喊，“让小的干吧。
;英语笑话大全带翻译
英语笑话20字带翻译
英语笑话20字带翻译一：
A boy goes to the cinema He buys a ticket and goes in But after two or three minutes he comes out He buys a second ticket and goes in again After a few minutes he comes out again and buys a third ticket Two or three minutes after that he comes out a third time and asks for another ticket The ticket seller says to him, "Why are you buying all these Are you meeting friends in the cinema all the time" "No, I;m not doing that" The small man says, "But a big woman always stops me at the door and tears my tickets up"
英语笑话20字带翻译二：
It was half-past eight in the morning The telephone rang and Mary went to answer it'Hello, who's that' she asked'It's me--Peter'Peter was a friend of Mary's eight-year-old brother, Johnny'Oh, hello, Peter What do you want' said Mary'Can I speak to Johnny''No,' said Mary, 'you can't speak to him now He is busy He is getting ready for school He is eating his breakfast Grandmother is combing his hair Sister is under the table, putting his shoes on Mother is getting his books and putting them in his school bag Goodbye, I've got to go now I have to hold the door open The school bus is coming'
英语笑话20字带翻译三：
The preacher was vexed(生气的) because a certain member of his congregation(集合，聚会) always fell asleep during the sermonAs the man was snoring in the front row one Sunday, the preacher determined he would teach him not to sleep during the sermon So, in a whisper, he asked the congregation "All who want to go to heaven, please rise" Everyone got up except the snorer After whispering "Be seated", the minister shouted at the top of hisvoiced, "All those who want to be with the devil, please rise"Awaking with a start , the sleepy-head jumped to his feet and saw the preacher standing tall and angry in the pulpit(讲道坛), "Well, sir," he said, "I don't know what we're voting on, but it looks like you and me are the only ones for it"
牧师非常生气，因为总有一个人在他说教时打瞌睡。一个星期天，正当坐在前排的那个人又在瞌睡时，牧师决定要好好教育他一下，让他不要再在布道时睡觉。于是他低声对信徒们说：“想去天堂的人，都请站起来吧。”所有的`人都站了起来——当然，除了那个打瞌睡的人。在低声说过请坐后，牧师高声喊道：“想去下地狱的人请站起来!”打瞌睡的人被这突然的喊叫声惊醒了，他站了起来。看到牧师高站在教坛上，正生气的看着他。这个人说道：“噢，先生，我不知道我们在选什么，但看上去只有你和我是候选人。”
;英语幽默笑话带翻译200字
近些年,冷笑话作为一种特殊的幽默方式在互联网、电视节目、书籍杂志上广泛流传。我精心收集了英语笑话大全带翻译，供大家欣赏学习!
英语笑话大全带翻译：The amazing golf ball
神奇的高尔夫球
A golfer, playing a round by himself, is about to tee off, and a greasy little salesman runs up to him, and yells, "Wait! Before you tee off, I have something really amazing to show you!"
一个高尔夫球手正要发球，跑上来一个无限谄媚的小个子推销员，喊到：“ 等一下。在您发球前，我请您看一样超神奇的东西。”
The golfer, annoyed, says, "What is it"
高尔夫球手颇感被打搅，说道：“什么东西啊”
"It's a special golf ball," says the salesman "You can never lose it!"
“是一个很特别的高尔夫球 - 一个永远不会被弄丢的球!”
"you can never lose it"，scoffs the golfer, "What if you hit it into the water
“永远不会丢的球”，高尔夫球手嘲讽地说，“如果球被打到水里呢”
"No problem," says the salesman "It floats, and it detects where the shore is, and spins towards it"
“没问题。它能漂起来，还能探测到哪里是岸，然后自己就能转到岸边。”
"Well, what if you hit it into the woods"
“那么如果掉到树丛里呢”
"Easy," says the salesman "It emits a beeping sound, and you can find it with your eyes closed"
“简单。它能发出嘟嘟声，这样你就能循声而至了。”
"Okay," says the golfer, impressed "But what if your round goes late and it gets dark"
“那如果天黑了怎么找它呢”
"No problem, sir, this golf ball glows in the dark! I'm telling you, you can never lose this golf ball!"
“球会在黑暗中发光啊!一句话，你永远不会找不到这个球。”
The golfer buys it at once "Just one question," he says to the salesman "Where did you get it"
高尔夫球手当即买下这个球，随口问了一句：“你从哪搞到它的”
"I found it"
“是我捡到的啦!”
英语笑话大全带翻译：这是我的位子It was a woman's first time on a plane She boarded the plane and found herself a windowseat
一位女士头一回坐飞机。她登机后发现自己的座位仅靠窗子。
After she settled in, a man came over and insisted that she was in his seat She ignored himand told him to go away
她坐好后，一位男士走过来坚持说她坐了他的位子。这位女士根本不听，只告诉他走开。
"Okay," replied the man "If that's the way you want it, you fly the plane"
“好吧，”男士回答道。“如果你真想这样，你来开飞机吧。”
英语笑话大全带翻译：许愿也要小心A couple had been married for 25 years and were celebrating their 60th birthdays, which fell onthe same day
一对夫妇结婚已经25年了，正在一起庆祝他们的结婚纪念日和60岁生日。
During the celebration a fairy appeared and said that because they had been such a lovingcouple for all 25 years, she would give them one wish each
正庆祝时，一位仙女从天而降说25年来他们一直相亲相爱，她将实现他们每个人一个愿望。
The wife wanted to travel around the world The fairy waved her hand, and Boom! She had thetickets in her hand
妻子说想环游世界。仙女握住了她的手，只听轰的一声。妻子手中出现了各种入场券和票。
Next, it was the husband's turn He paused for a moment, then said shyly, "Well, I'd like tohave a woman 30 years younger than me"
接着就该丈夫许愿了。他顿了一下，然后不好意思地说：“嗯，我想要一个比我年轻30岁的妻子。”
The fairy picked up her wand, and Boom! He was ninety
仙女拿起魔杖，只听轰的一声!丈夫变成90岁的老翁了。
英语笑话大全带翻译：用金钱来表达Boy:Honey,my love of you is beyond expression
小伙子:亲爱的,我对你的爱,简直无法用语言来表达
Girl:Then you can use money to express it
姑娘:那你就用金钱来表达吧!
英语幽默笑话带翻译
1:A man was hit by a cab in the street He was brought to thehospital His wife who was standing up by his bed, said to the doctor: "Ithink that he is very ill" "I am afraid that he is dead"saidthe doctor,
Hearing this, theman moved his head and said: "I'm not dead I'm still alive""Be quiet, "said the wife "the doctor knows better thanyou!"
医生懂得多
一个男人在街上被出租车撞倒送进了医院他的妻子站在他的床前对医生说:"我想他伤得很厉害"医生说:"我怕他已经死了"听到医生的话,这个男人转动着头说:"我没死,我还活着"妻子说:"安静,医生比你懂得多"
2:You can't go without me
The bus is verycrowdedAman tries to get on,but no one gives way to him
"Hey,let me get on the bus"the man shouts
"It's too crowdedYou'd better take the next bus"a passenger says tohim
"But you can't go withou meI'm the driver"the man says
没有我你们走不了
公共汽车上很拥挤一位男士想上车,但是没有人给他让路
"喂,让我上车!"那位男士喊道
"车太挤了,你最好坐下一辆"车上的一位乘客对他说
"但是没有我你们走不了我是司机!"那位男士说道
3:Drunk
One day, a father and his little son were going home At thisage, the boy was interested in all kinds of things and was always askingquestions Now, he asked, "What's the meaning of the word 'Drunk',dad" "Well, my son," his father replied, "look, there arestanding two policemen If I regard the two policemen as four then I amdrunk"
"But,dad," the boy said, " there's only ONE policeman!"
醉酒
一天，父亲与小儿子一道回家。这个孩子正处于那种对什么事都很感兴趣的年龄，老是有提不完的问题。他向父亲发问道：“爸爸，‘醉’字是什么意思？” “唔，孩子，”父亲回答说，“你瞧那儿站着两个警察。如果我把他们看成了四个，那么我就算醉了。” “可是，爸爸， ”孩子说，“那儿只有一个警察呀！”
4:Hospitality
The hostessapologized to her unexpected guest for serving an apple-pie without any cheeseThe little boy of the family left the room quietly for a moment and returnedwith a piece of cheese which he laid on the guest's plate The visitor smiled,put the cheese into his mouth and then said: "You must have better eyesthan your mother, sonny Where did you find the cheese" "In therat-trap, sir," replied the boy
好客
由于客人在吃苹果馅饼时，家里没有奶酪了，于是女主人向大家表示歉意。这家的小男孩悄悄地离开了屋子。过了一会儿，他拿着一片奶酪回到房间，把奶酪放在客人的盘子里。客人微笑着把奶酪放进嘴里说：“孩子，你的眼睛就是比你妈妈的好。你在哪里找到的奶酪？” “在捕鼠夹上，先生。”那小男孩说。
5:Dear white, something you got to know When I was born, I wasblackWhen I grow up, I am blackWhen I'm under the sun, I'm blackWhen I'm cold,I'm blackWhen I'm afraid, I'm black
When I'm sick, I'mblackWhen I die, I'm still blackyou---white people,When you were born, youwere pinkWhen you grow up, you become whiteYou're red under the sunYou'reblue when you're coldYou are yellow when you're afraidYou're green whenyou're sickYou're gray when you dieAnd you, call me "color"
亲爱的白种人，有几件事你必须知道。当我出生时，我是黑色的我长大了，我是黑色的我在阳光下，我是黑色的我寒冷时，我是黑色的我害怕时，我是黑色的我生病了，我是黑色的当我死了，我仍是黑色的。你---白种人，当你出生时，你是粉红色的。你长大了，变成白色的。你在阳光下，你是红色的。你寒冷时，你是青色的。你害怕时，你是**的。你生病时，你是绿色的。当你死时，你是灰色的。而你，却叫我「有色人种」？
6：Where is the father
Two brothers werelooking at some beautiful paintings
"Look,"said the elder brother "How nice these paintings are!"
"Yes,"said the younger, "but in all these paintings there is only the mother andthe children Where is the father"
The elder brotherthought for a moment and then explained, "Obviously he was painting thepictures"
兄弟俩在看一些漂亮的油画。
“看，”哥哥说，“这些画多漂亮呀！”
“是啊，”弟弟说道，“可是在所有这些画中，只有妈妈和孩子。
那爸爸去哪儿了呢？”
哥哥想了会儿，然后解释道：“很明显，他当时正在画这些画呗。”
7：How Many Rabbits
Teacher: Now, Jonathan, if I gave you three rabbits and then the next day I gave youfive rabbits, how many rabbits would you have
Jonathan: Nine, sir
Teacher: Nine
Jonathan: I've got one already, sir
多少只兔子？
老师：好，乔纳森，假如我给你三只兔子，第二天我又给你五只，你一共有多少只兔子？
乔纳森：一共有九只，先生。
老师：九只？
乔纳森：先生，我本来就有一只。
8：These Are My Jeans
After going on adiet，a woman felt really good aboutherself----especially when she was able to fit into a pair of jeans she hadoutgrown long ago．
“Look，look．” she shouted while running downstairs to show her husband．“I can wear my old jeans again．”
Her husband lookedat her for a long time，when said，“Honey，I love you，butthese are my jeans．”
那是我的裤子!
一个妇女在减肥一段时间后自我感觉特别好——特别是当她又能穿上很早以前就穿不上的牛仔裤时。她跑下楼冲她丈夫喊道：“快看，快看。我又能穿上以前的裤子了。”她丈夫看了她好一会儿，然后说：“亲爱的，我爱你。但那是我的裤子。”
9：Themean man's party
The notoriouscheap skate finally decided to have a party Explaining to a friend how to findhis apartment, he said, "Come up to 5M and ring the doorbell with yourelbow When the door open, push with your foot"
"Why use myelbow and foot"
"Well,gosh," was the reply, "You're not coming empty-hangded, areyou"
吝啬鬼请客
一个出了名的吝啬鬼终于决定要请一次客了。他在向一个朋友解释怎么找到他家时说：“你上到五楼，找中间那个门，然后用你的胳膊肘按门铃。门开了之后，再用你的脚把门推开。”
“为什么要用我的肘和脚呢？”
“你的双手得拿礼物啊。天哪，你总不会空着手来吧？”吝啬鬼回答。
10：AllI do is pay
"My family isjust like a nation," Mr Brown told his colleague "My wife is theminister of finance, my mother-in-law is the minister of war, and my daughteris foreign secretary"
"Soundsinteresting, " his colleague replied "And what is yourposition"
"I'm thepeople All I do is pay"
我要做的一切就是付钱
布朗先生告诉同事说：“我的家简直就象一个国家一样。我妻子
是财政部长。我岳母是作战部长，我女儿是外交秘书。”
“听上去挺有意思的，”他的同事说，“那你的职务是什么呢？”
“我就是老百姓。我要做的一切就是付钱。”
